Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

Over the past month or so I have taken the decision and put into force the motions for my joining the Army. I've always wanted to join up and in 2009, I nearly did, falling short when I received the news that I was going to become a father. At the time I couldn't, in good conscience just fuck off and leave the mother to go through it without my support; or even risk missing some of the most important parts of a child's life; so I stayed and decided that maybe in the future I would try again.

Since the start of the year the idea of giving it a second chance has been bouncing around my head and I just put it down as a pipe dream and tried not to think about it too much, but then I got in one day and turned on the telly to the last 15minutes of a documentary that Jeremy Kyle was doing called Jeremy Kyle's: Military Driving School. It seriously put a strong, and sweet, taste in my mouth that made me decide that the Army is what I wanted.

The next day I had free I found myself sitting in the Armed Forces Careers Office in Newcastle, sat in the exact same spot as I had 2 years previous twisting my thumbs, looking around at the separate forces' desks, reading the posters and watching the same montage of clips repeat themselves over and over on the plasma in the corner of the room whilst I waited for my turn with the Army cadre. There was a surprising amount of other applicants in with me that day too, mostly young lasses; a couple had even brought their toddlers with them. I wasn't quite sure what their stories were, and I did my best not to find out. I was there for me, and for me only.

When the Staff Sergeant on duty that day finally got round to seeing me he asked me what the score was and I replied along the lines of, "well, I kind of want to join the Army...sir." Probably not the best work of articulation that's left my mouth, and he obviously thought the same with the retort of, "you wouldn't be sitting here if you didn't".

I explained to him that I wanted to join the RLC (Royal Logistics Corps) as a Driver and that I had applied a couple of years ago but decided not todue to the issues already explained above. From this he found me on the system and told me that I hadn't explained this to them at the time and they just assumed I had chickened out (which is understandable, there was a lot going on at that point in my life - perhaps notifying the Army that I wasn't joining after all may have slipped my mind). I apologised and explained that I thought I had and tried to make it look like I wasn't some silly boy who couldn't make up his mind.

The SSG told me that as a result of my past application and the current state of affairs within the Armed Forces that if I flunked this time around, unless it was for a 'fucking good reason', that would be it and I would be kicked out the door if I tried to apply again in the future. I told him that I understood and gathered up the application forms that he issued me with and left.

Filling out the forms didn't take too long, and the next opportunity I got, I returned them back the the Recruitment Office, where I found the same SSG that dealt with my application originally in 2009 - thankfully he didn't remember me, and didn't hold it against me that I'd dropped out before as much as the first SSG did. He told me that I was too smart to be a driver and should seriously consider doing something else. Copies of my ID and qualifications were taken and we had a little chat about how my father was once a signaller (which was what he was). He queried as to why I didn't want to follow in Dad's footsteps to which I replied that it just didn't sound very interesting (I think this offended him a little). Either way, he gave me a date to return to do my BARB test (British Army Recruitment Battery), shook my hand and sent me on my way.

The BARB test is a 30 minute basic aptitude test that generates a result from the answers provided to questions relating to basic logic. Said questions include: "If this shape looks like this now, what would it look like when flipped 90°?" Easy? You would think so, and so would I, but I somehow managed to fuck it up big time and came out with a result around 20 points lower than I had got in 2009. Thankfully it meant that I could still be a driver; but my personal pride did take a little bit of a dent. After this I had another word with my SSG about my options and with a firm handshake, yet more paperwork (this time medical) to fill in, a list of Army Jobs I am eligible for (mostly infantry) sent me on my way to chew over my list of choices.

Since then, I have decided on my job role that I would like to do (Driver/Communications Specialist) and as of earlier today, got my medical paperwork sorted out with my new doctor. Apparently my normal doctor retired in November and I didn't even realise - shows how often I go to see him. Anyway, my new doctor (whom has an equally Indian name) seemed very nice and eager to see my ambition to join up successful and promised to get the forms filled out and sent away as soon as he could.

Another thing I have been doing since the BARB test is a fitness work. I've researched the selection requirements for the RLC selection and found out that I have to be able to run 1.5miles in a maximum of 13 minutes 15 seconds. It may sound difficult, but believe me, 1.5 miles really isn't all that great a distance, and my times for it have steadily been getting better and better up until the focal point last night when I managed it in a time of 13.05. Which is my best time by far. I am going to keep training and aim for around 10minutes at least to ensure that I'm not passing by the skin of my teeth when it comes to doing it for real - and plus it's handy to have that extra piece of stamina available if and when I need it. I've also been doing a lot of cycling to raise my stamina levels and been getting the sit up and press up tally steadily counting upward.

That is it so far, and I'm just waiting to hear back from my SSG when he receives my medical paperwork from my doc. When that happens I'll be booked onto a pre ADSC course (basically a selection, selection course) where my fitness will be tested for a day to ensure that I am physically git enough to even join the Army.

I know this has been a long one, but bear with me for just a couple more paragraphs, please!

This is like a dream for me, and although I am seriously excited to finally be doing this and having all these events set into motion, I am also still ridiculously nervous. I'm worried about how much I'll miss my 2 year old son, and my family and friends. I'm worried about how much I'll miss my current job; as much as I hate the job itself, the people make it so much worth while.

But I know that on this path I'm taking, I'll make new friends, and I'll still be able to see my son, and I'll still be able to keep in contact with the friends I leave behind - and with all the money I'll be earning, I'll be able to spoil the sprog rotten and party 'til the cows come home when I'm on leave.

Until the next development, or event that causes me to have the urge to write satirically about...

ADIOS!

Obama bin Landen has had his fate seal'd.

This Monday, it would appear that the menace at the top of America's most wanted list was finally killed. But is this a good thing?

Monday morning saw a raid carried out by the crème de la crème of American Special Forces, the US Navy Seals [Seal's official site]. They carried out a meticulously planned raid on Osama's $1m compound, located less than a mile away from the main military institute in Pakistan, with the intelligence aid from the CIA. The result of which saw bin Laden shot above his left eye in a 'precision shot' (whoever said that is an idiot), his youngest wife and five more of his guards killed; with 2 taken prisoner. None of the soldiers taking part in the raid were killed or injured, but it would seem that even after this remarkable feat, the Americans couldn't help but put their trademark fuck up to the operation - but crashing one of their helicopters into the wall of the compound.

Nice one: Apparently caused by a mechanical malfunction.

After the raid, bin Laden's body was flown to a US carrier floating to the south of Afghanistan where he was 'cleansed' and given a traditional Islamic funeral before being buried at sea to stop his grave becoming a shrine to extremists.

When I woke up at 5.30 Monday morning for work, I turned the telly on and through my bleary eyes could've of sworn that I read, "Michelle Obama has been killed". I thought 'Oh my goodness!', blinked a few times and realised that what it actually said was "Osama bin Laden has been killed". I must say, there was some relief, swiftly followed by my mumbling, 'well, that's alrigh' then'. And since then the story has pretty much blanketed the news - with journalists and anchormen and women cursing their bad luck at having to get up extra early to practice the pronunciation of bin Laden's closest mates.  

But for me, there wasn't a feeling of joy. There wasn't a feeling of a chapter in history being finished, and this surprised me. I felt very neutral. I didn't feel the urge to tell everyone and I didn't feel the need to jump up and down and throw my arms in the air. 

I think this was to do with the fact that Osama wasn't really anybody who (contrary to popular belief) was actually dangerous. Yes, he had quite a ridiculous mindset and preached about it - it's the prats that believe what he had to say that are dangerous. Killing Osama has changed nothing, somebody will have replaced him, and when they die, somebody will replace them too. It's like the hype in Chelsea's £50m deal for Torres, only for him to make no difference and be an utter let down. The only thing 'good' about this is that it has pretty much super-glued Obama's re-election. 

If anything, it has caused a martyr. However, this remains to be seen, but if it turns out to be true, then it would justify Bush's decision to let bin Laden escape certain death in 2001. Either way, life will go on. People will still go to work, take their children to the park and go on holiday; no differently than before. 

No matter how you look at it, not very many people are particularly saddened by his death, not in Europe, America or even the Middle-East. 

This week sees a pretty major political domestic event too, the AV referendum. After a strong belief in the FPTP system, I have slowly been swayed away from it and come to the point that I don't really have a bias towards either First Past The Post or Alternative Vote systems - for this reason, I probably won't be placing my vote on it since I'm willing to be carried along either path that the country decided to go down on this (I would rather a form of PR). If you are unsure about what I am talking about, or still don't quite understand either voting system, this guy pretty much does a good job of summing it up. It is quite lengthy, but worth the read and pretty much sums up everything I have to say on the matter.

I would also like to congratulate Prince William and (now) Princess Kate on their marriage on Friday, 29th. For all those who watched it you can't deny at least some sense of patriotism for the whole affair, no matter how much you took the piss out of it all before hand; and for all you whom missed it - unlucky. But here's a brief sum up: a typical English royal get together with a very to-do execution of events including, but not limited to; horses, expensive cars, a huge abbey, extravagant clothes, the Queen and sand. Unfortunately I couldn't watch the whole thing since my draconian employer wanted me to earn them yet more money, but from what I hear, it all went rather smoothly in that very English way. 

I would also like to thank this same employer for letting me celebrate my Easter 'holidays' and get on with the college work that I had a lot of to do (which I should be, but haven't been doing, now) and thus my long spate of blogging silence. I love my job.