"As crisp as a bag of crisps"

This weekend saw the long awaited return of the season of Top Gear, so obviously, as an avid Top Gear fan-boy, I just had to write about it today. Season 16? Something like that. The only things that have been around longer are the Porsche 911, The Queen, The Great White Shark and Thatcher (annoyingly).

I love this show so much, I actually didn’t go on any form of social network. AT ALL. Sex doesn’t even get that much attention.

Anyway, season 16 was kick-started with a trio of the superb big budget videos that we have come to expect from Clarkson, Hammond and May - well, except from May. Well, I say expect; James needs to work on his racing ability, or just leave the fast cars reviews to his co-stars. I feel that he didn’t quite give the Atom V8the talent it deserved in the form of 5th Gear’s Tiff Needell. And with the downright awful, but equally as hilarious simile: “as crisps as a bag of crisps”.

                                     

From Jeremy we got the predictably unpredictable thorough test of an everyday family car, the Skoda Yeti - with a penis joke thrown in for good measure. And a cameo appearance from Sienna Miller’s head. And some firemen. And the rather beautiful classic that is the Ferrari GTO.

                                 

And finally we got to another 911 fan-boy review Hammond trying desperately to explain how the Porsche 911 is better than the VW Beetle. Thankfully it turned out that the Bettle was better than the 911 and all it used was the much unappreciated power of gravity. So hopefully that is that sorted and we never have to hear another word from Richard about the subject ever again. Hammond even had the audacity to state that the 911 had evolved a great deal over the 600 years (about) since the first model rolled off the production lines. Bullshit; the Great White Shark has evolved more over these 600 years. Somalia has evolved more in 600 years. When I was looking for potential first cars that I wanted to buy - I was seriously considering the VW Beetle: Cheap, cheerful, and I’d even go as far to say cute and plucky. Don’t call me gay.

           

Throughout the duration of the episode we saw a handful of very British opinions, relating to the French. A liberal helping of bickering and more importantly THE RETURN OF THE STIG! Bet you thought that I’d forgotten about that. Six paragraphs in before a mention. Well, I didn’t.  New Stiggy’s arrival sent shivers through me. I hope they don’t teach this one any form of independence and they treat him in much the same way that the Conservative party treats Nick Clegg - only letting him out of his box when they allow him.

The Star-in-a-Reasonably-Priced-Car was comedian John Bishop. After a tear educing anecdote about a cigarette lighter from a Moskovitch and another penis joke, he showed everyone that there’s more to him than a few funny stories with a lap time of 1.42. Yes, that’s fastest on the board so far.

Yet again, the BBC has shown that it has seemingly limitless influence and budget, hardly surprising from the day-light robbery we fall victim to through TV Licensing fees. The show ended on the bombshell that was a Scouser Joke; John Bishop was probably at home watching last night whilst sitting on his newly ‘acquired’ Porsche wheels, and looking very good in the crash helmet and groovy sunglasses that he inevitably also twocked.    

Managed to catch myself on Radio 1 during Scott Mill’s show on Friday. Apparently I “have a good radio voice” according to one of my mates. He also informed me that Fearne Cotton actually said my name. Well, I’m still sporting a chuffy three days later.